Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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