You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
