So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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