I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
