I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I just want to make out with him forever
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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