I feel like abortions should bother me more
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
