Already got asked if we're dating
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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