I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
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she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
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Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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