you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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