You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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