I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
