Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
If You’re Hot, It’s Easier For You To Do These 27 Things
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!