Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested