oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?