he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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