can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
