Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
