Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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