Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
