u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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