Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Randomize
