Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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