We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He better not be in your backpack
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
