People with herpes should wear stickers.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Sober January is a disaster.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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