Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
