Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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