1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
