Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
