Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I want to fling myself into the sun
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
