ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Boobs are out for the taking
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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