If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
