literally had 100 drinks last night.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
