yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
