Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I'm jealous of your bromance
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
