I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
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