wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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