So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
