Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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