how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Im part way to drunk.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
