shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
