Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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