im six kinds of drunk right now
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I just found puke in my bra..
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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