Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
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I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
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I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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