Need sex. Gaining weight.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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