he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
