dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
