I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
