he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Randomize
