Banned from zoo.
Again?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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