I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
