So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
