Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
