I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
