one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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