Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
You're my little dorito
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
